The Beginning of an Only-Child Journey

I have spent the last few months immersed in the only-child world.

Participating in discussion groups, reading many articles and books, and speaking to experts.

My observations revealed significant anxiety among most of these parents - the fear that their only child will be lonely without a sibling.

The concern comes side by side with logical reasons for not giving their child a sibling – financial constraints, broken relationships, health problems, lack of support, fertility issues, traumatic birth, postpartum depression, and so on.

So, the rationale is there, but why is it so hard to accept it? Why do we feel so guilty?

Well, first and foremost, we live in a society with standard life expectations – having a college degree, finding a job in a big company, getting married, buying a house, having at least two kids (if one boy and one girl, you won the lottery) and lastly, making sure our kids go through the same, but improved, life-cycle.

It is tough to accept anything different than that.

After all, we want to be included and stay caught up.

We've been brainwashed to believe that a happy family is a big family.

You are breaking the perfect cycle if you don't have at least two kids (let alone not having a child at all!).

I was told more than once: "You'll only know what a family is when you have a second child!".

If the outside pressure is not enough, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, and we tend to see that the grass is always greener on the other side.

So if my friend can handle four kids plus a full-time job, why can't I?

My mom did it because that's what she wanted to do, and it was a very different time.

And honestly, it did not come easy.

She spent most of her adult life constantly stretching herself (most of the time, more than she could handle) to work this out.

As much as I admire her the world, I do not want to go through what she's been through.

Therefore, I decided to disagree, and I challenged the convention.

I struggled with this fear for many years, and it didn't do me any good.

I knew I couldn't (and did not want to) have another child, yet I insisted on punishing myself for that.

I broke free from the constant guilt, shame, and comparison when I truly accepted my wishes and limitations.

I cannot and don't want to have more than one child, at least not if I want to be the mother, the wife, the friend, the professional, and the person I hope to be.

I have a wonderful and happy little family. 

Olivia is now 9, friendly, independent, caring, and joyful.

She doesn't miss a sibling. In fact, if I had another one, I would probably be raising two only children.

Olivia loves children and interacting with others, but she needs her space.

She needs her "me" time. And a toddler following her wouldn't be ideal.

I keep stressing that I grew up with three sisters, and I often remember feeling lonely.

Yes, in theory, I had three full-time playmates.

Still, it was not enough to make me feel "complete."

My point is if the only reason you still push yourself to have another child is to give your child a companion because, ultimately, that's what will make them happier, think twice!

No guarantee having another child will fulfill your firstborn needs.

Also, you might give your child a sibling but end up not being the parent that your children need.

Look, I am far from advocating the one-child policy.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution. While it works perfectly for me, it might not work for others.

For whatever reason, you have only one; you must have a good one.

So think about it next time you begin ruminating about it. Instead, focus on making yourself happier and giving your child plenty of love and opportunity to interact with other kids.

After all, it is all in our heads most of the time!

Our kids will probably be just fine being the special ones! 😉