What To Do If You And Your Partner Disagree on Having a Second Child?

You desperately want a second child, but your partner isn't on board. Or your partner keeps nagging you about increasing the family, but you have reasons to disagree.

Does it sound familiar? You're not alone. 

There is no right or wrong when it comes to making a decision. However, it can still be quite a painful journey.

So, what can you do to minimize the discomfort?

People Can Change Their Minds

"We'd agreed we were having two kids before we got married, but now he changed his mind. I feel betrayed".

It's possible that your partner had a change of heart. After all, people can change their minds about almost anything – including having kids.

Your spouse might have thought they wanted two kids. Still, they realized it was more demanding than expected after having one.

Or maybe she had a traumatic pregnancy or childbirth and didn't feel like going through this again.

It's important to remember that your partner is entitled to change their mind.

Just because they initially agreed with you doesn't mean they're not allowed to revise their opinions later.

Open Communication

First thing first, you should have open communication.

Lower your guard, be honest about your feelings, and explain why you want/don't want more kids.

And allow your significant other to do the same without any judgment.

More frequently than we think, we are so self-absorbed in our own needs that we don't let others express their emotions and thoughts.

After all, our reasons must be more relevant than theirs, right?

Because we've thought it through many times, we feel better positioned to win the "debate" without considering the other side's points of view.

But we are talking about your partner, a child, and a decision that might change the course of your life.

And being empathetic is the first step to resolving.

You and your partner can go through your reasons for the hundredth time.

Yet, until you are genuinely open to seeing things from a different perspective, you will waste your time, energy, and, ultimately, your love.

Assuming that what we want is more important than our partner's is one of a couple's biggest mistakes. 

Simply because you are the one who seems to be suffering the most doesn't mean that you should ignore your partner's opinions.

Analyze Your Motives for Having or Not Having a Second Child

Be honest with yourself. If you are the one who is pushing for more kids, ask yourself questions like, "What is my primary reason for having a second child"? "What is that I'm missing out on"? 

There can be surface reasons like "My child needs a sibling" or "I always dreamed about having a big family."

But if you go a little deeper, there might be other motives that are not that obvious at first sight but play an essential role in your decision.

For example, you want another child because that's what society expects from you.

The pressure is too unbearable to deal with, so bowing down seems the only way to go.

Or you might be afraid that your relationship won't survive the extra stress of another kid, and that's why you dread going for a second baby.

It's crucial to identify and acknowledge these deeper reasons because they can help you find a way to compromise with your spouse if you want to stay together but can't seem to agree on this particular issue.

When we carefully analyze the situation, we often find out that the reasons might not be that solid, and we can open up to new possibilities.

I'm not saying that you will change your mind. But when you let your guard down and examine the situation from a different angle, the chances are that you will find a way to solve the impasse.

Making a Decision as a Couple

If couples want to remain together, they'll need to find a way to compromise and reach a mutual agreement about their family's size.

This may mean that some couples might have more kids than they originally wanted or fewer kids than they envisioned.

However, it's vital that both partners feel comfortable with the decision made.

According to writer and psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, what helps couples move forward is to think of themselves as teammates rather than opponents. 

"This means that instead of getting your partner to agree with your perspective, you should work together to understand yourself and each other better. Only then can you make a thoughtful decision about the path forward.", she says.

What if You Hit a Brick Wall?

You can't reach a consensus even after scrutinizing both sides and drilling down the pros and cons.

In that case, couples therapy could be a reasonable next step.

However, suppose the therapy can't help, and you both are adamant about your decisions.

Then, unfortunately, you might have to go separate ways for your happiness and your child's wellbeing.

Take a moment to contemplate what you currently have and what it'd be the least painful outcome for everyone involved. 

It might be that disagreeing about the number of kids is just one of the issues you have as a couple, and going separate ways, might be in the best interest of everyone involved.

This is a big decision, and you should not take it lightly. Yet, if you decide to part ways, do it with respect and kindness.