Aging Parents and Their Only Child

Nobody likes the thought of getting older, but as much as we wish we could stop time, it’s one of the inevitable things we must accept.

And if getting wrinkles, constantly fighting with your joints, and forgetting people’s names isn’t enough, parents of only children have an extra concern that keeps creeping into their already busy minds.

They often worry about being a burden on their child because they lack siblings to share the responsibility with.

Is this a valid concern? Does it really make any difference when you have multiple kids? Is it ok to expect the child to care for their aging parents?

How can we ensure we won’t be deadweight (not literally!) to our kids in the future?

Having a sibling to help aging parents: a blessing or a curse?

“Nothing reveals the fault lines in sibling relationships like the seismic shift caused by an aging parent’s sudden decline,” Philadelphia psychologist Barry Jacobs writes in Psychotherapy Networker.

According to a survey commissioned by the Alzheimer’s Association, 61% of siblings felt they didn’t get the support needed from their brothers or sisters when caring for their parents. 

As a result, their relationship deteriorated.

Having siblings is no guarantee you will have help. After all, one sibling usually shoulders the most significant load.

It may be the one who lives closer to the parents, is better financially, or is culturally expected to do so.

Some might argue that even if one carries most of the responsibility, it’s still better than not having anyone else to share it with.

Well, it makes sense, but it’s not always the case. 

Take my aunt as an example; when my grandmother got older and needed full-time assistance, she was her primary, if not sole, caregiver, although they are five siblings.

Yes, they did help financially, but my aunt was responsible for caring for her.

And during almost 15 years, I witnessed the numerous tensions whenever they had to make a decision or when they disagreed about how my aunt handled a situation. 

Which, understandably, triggered her auto-defense mode. It’s easy to express your opinion when you are not the one who will execute the plan.

My aunt once admitted that it’d probably be easier if she didn’t have her siblings interfering all the time.

Discussing every decision with four other people, who were not as physically and emotionally involved as she was, became an unnecessary challenge for her, instead of the extra pair of hands (and heart) she badly needed.

On the other hand, many siblings strengthened their bonds when it was time to look after their aging parents.

They learned how to negotiate, compromise, and get closer by relying on each other.

There are undoubtedly many perks when sharing care with a sibling. Still, it isn’t the fairytale people tend to picture.

Is there any way to lessen your only child’s burden?

A survey carried out by Bay Alarm Medical learned that 55% of Americans believe that children should care for their aging parents.

Yet, almost three-quarters also reported they would feel guilty if their children had to care for them.

I’m probably in the minority, but I don’t expect my daughter to nurse us when we cannot look after ourselves.

Undeniably, we’re not raising her expecting payback in the future.

That’s one of the reasons that managing our savings is a big deal at home. Among other things, part of this investment is to cover future costs with home care or living facilities.

I grew up listening to my mom saying the same thing to my three sisters and me: “when we grow older and unable to take care of ourselves, I want to go to a nursing home. The last thing I want is to burden any of you, and I know this type of discussion can tear families apart!”.

When I was younger, I honestly thought this was a cruel thing to do. We would be ungrateful and selfish after all our parents did for us if we actually did it.

But these thoughts changed dramatically since I had my daughter.

Now, I understand my mom’s concerns and share the same precise ideas. I want Olivia to live her life without the obligation to look after us.

We chose to have her, and as parents, we must bring her up in our best capacity. 

Unquestionably, she doesn’t have the commitment to nursing us. So, in summary, I don’t believe in role reversal.

Should I talk to my child about future arrangements?

Absolutely! As painful and uncomfortable as it can be, families need to have these conversations sooner rather than later.

Whether you anticipate your child to be your sole caregiver or indirect support system or choose to have someone else looking after you, it’s a good idea to let your grown-up child know how to manage everyone’s expectations – financially, logistically, and emotionally.

Proper planning and communication are crucial to avoid hiccups and disappointments in the future. 

For example, you might think that it’s clear that your child will take care of you, but they might have different plans.

That can lead to the children being wholly unprepared to step in if/when their parents need them for care. 

Especially if they already have their own family or live far from their parents.

As a result, this can be a huge life change for your adult children, and if they’re not financially prepared, it could have lasting damage.

Final thoughts

Regardless of having one or multiple kids, it would be best to always prepare for the future by getting organized and not being afraid to ask for help from friends and other family members.

Having a child to spend time with and care for may make a difference in the quality of life for the aging parent.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean your mature child should be the sole responsible for you. 

Caregiving roles vary, and while you might believe that your child should take care of you when the time comes, an assisted living facility or nursing home may be a better option.